holy crap today has been a day
hi all welcome back to the inside of my head!
today we're going to talk about the thing that's been stressing me out for like a week: coming out to my roommate!!!! because that's a thing that i did yesterday!! so we're gonna have a little storytime even though there's not much of a story.
so yesterday morning i slept for like 2455728659 years because my only class on thursday is at 3:30 and my roommate got up at like 9:15 because she had to go be a productive member of society. {{ok background info: my roommate and i get along really well and live together really well and have literally had no issues up to this point so i really really wanted this to go well because i like living with her we work well together so}} so she got back sometime in the late morning and i was finishing up getting ready before i went to cate (the student center) to do homework. she's just chillin (as she does) and i'm thinking,, now is like the best time because she's not busy and i'm about to leave. so i'm like pacing and debating actually speaking and eventually (before i can think anymore) i just turn to her and go "hey can i talk to you about something before i leave" and she's like "yeah sure" so i'm like freaking out in my head at this point but there's no backing out now we're already here. so i just start rambling about "well since we did the whole full disclosure thing last night" (i was talking about my anxiety and she was talking about her stuff) and eventually just spit out "i just thought it needed to be said directly that.... i'm gay, i like girls" and she just kinda smiled in like a reassuring way and said "yeah i know" and i was ?????? so confused but she just kinda reassured me that it was totally okay and told me i can talk to her about anything and i was like THANK GOD because i was so anxious about telling her that my whole body was shaking, like my knees were visibly shaking and i almost couldn't hold myself up (because surprise! i haven't had to formally come out to anyone since i came out to my parents 4 years ago!) so there's that.
so that went over well which was nice, but then there's the whole thing of i'm back in an environment where literally no one knows i''m gay except like, my roommate/suitemates and the girl across the hall. and my big and her suitemates. so a total of like... 10 people maybe. so today (friday) i decided to stick my neck out and wear my rainbow "equality" shirt to class. now for whatever reason, today the whole topic of lgbt+ rights and identities came up in my 8 am religious ethics class, on the day i chose to wear a shirt that probably outed me to everyone who saw me. so i was pretty decently anxious from that whole conversation and i lowkey panic? when i get back but my teacher had brought up the whole thing of the belief that being gay is wrong and started talking about all these bible verses that kinda go along with that and normally i just block out stuff like that because it's usually about a leviticus verse that is mistranslated anyway but he had like other stuff that people use as a defense for homophobia and (this is a thing that happens to me sometimes- it's not the first time) i started overthinking, like maybe they're right. this seems so unnatural to everyone else and what if they're right? like i don't think i'm """going to hell""" for it either way but what if it is unnatural and i made it all up and all this stuff that literally makes no sense at all. but i was sitting in the middle of this class at 8:30 am questioning my entire existence and when i finally left i kinda got my head together (obviously enough to be writing about it) but yeah it was a whole existential crisis of like "i JUST came out to my roommate and now this class is making me question literally my entire life so what do i do???" so that was fun. thanks homophobes for being so awful that you make someone question a fundamental part of who they are to a point where they could literally hate themselves for it. (i don't but i've met someone who used to.)
anyway that was long and rambly and i'm not even going to read over it before i publish it because it's taken me two days to write out the whole thing but if you read this thank you and i love you!! (this sounds like a written youtube video lol) anyway i'm trying to post more but sometimes things just happen so much that it gets hard. i'm doing my best <3
today we're going to talk about the thing that's been stressing me out for like a week: coming out to my roommate!!!! because that's a thing that i did yesterday!! so we're gonna have a little storytime even though there's not much of a story.
so yesterday morning i slept for like 2455728659 years because my only class on thursday is at 3:30 and my roommate got up at like 9:15 because she had to go be a productive member of society. {{ok background info: my roommate and i get along really well and live together really well and have literally had no issues up to this point so i really really wanted this to go well because i like living with her we work well together so}} so she got back sometime in the late morning and i was finishing up getting ready before i went to cate (the student center) to do homework. she's just chillin (as she does) and i'm thinking,, now is like the best time because she's not busy and i'm about to leave. so i'm like pacing and debating actually speaking and eventually (before i can think anymore) i just turn to her and go "hey can i talk to you about something before i leave" and she's like "yeah sure" so i'm like freaking out in my head at this point but there's no backing out now we're already here. so i just start rambling about "well since we did the whole full disclosure thing last night" (i was talking about my anxiety and she was talking about her stuff) and eventually just spit out "i just thought it needed to be said directly that.... i'm gay, i like girls" and she just kinda smiled in like a reassuring way and said "yeah i know" and i was ?????? so confused but she just kinda reassured me that it was totally okay and told me i can talk to her about anything and i was like THANK GOD because i was so anxious about telling her that my whole body was shaking, like my knees were visibly shaking and i almost couldn't hold myself up (because surprise! i haven't had to formally come out to anyone since i came out to my parents 4 years ago!) so there's that.
so that went over well which was nice, but then there's the whole thing of i'm back in an environment where literally no one knows i''m gay except like, my roommate/suitemates and the girl across the hall. and my big and her suitemates. so a total of like... 10 people maybe. so today (friday) i decided to stick my neck out and wear my rainbow "equality" shirt to class. now for whatever reason, today the whole topic of lgbt+ rights and identities came up in my 8 am religious ethics class, on the day i chose to wear a shirt that probably outed me to everyone who saw me. so i was pretty decently anxious from that whole conversation and i lowkey panic? when i get back but my teacher had brought up the whole thing of the belief that being gay is wrong and started talking about all these bible verses that kinda go along with that and normally i just block out stuff like that because it's usually about a leviticus verse that is mistranslated anyway but he had like other stuff that people use as a defense for homophobia and (this is a thing that happens to me sometimes- it's not the first time) i started overthinking, like maybe they're right. this seems so unnatural to everyone else and what if they're right? like i don't think i'm """going to hell""" for it either way but what if it is unnatural and i made it all up and all this stuff that literally makes no sense at all. but i was sitting in the middle of this class at 8:30 am questioning my entire existence and when i finally left i kinda got my head together (obviously enough to be writing about it) but yeah it was a whole existential crisis of like "i JUST came out to my roommate and now this class is making me question literally my entire life so what do i do???" so that was fun. thanks homophobes for being so awful that you make someone question a fundamental part of who they are to a point where they could literally hate themselves for it. (i don't but i've met someone who used to.)
anyway that was long and rambly and i'm not even going to read over it before i publish it because it's taken me two days to write out the whole thing but if you read this thank you and i love you!! (this sounds like a written youtube video lol) anyway i'm trying to post more but sometimes things just happen so much that it gets hard. i'm doing my best <3
Comments
Post a Comment